MANSTRUAL CYCLE

This is just a random blog about the McDonalds fries container, if you unfold them they look strikingly similar to sanitary towels.

Well seeing as they are endorsed by Ronald McDonald himself (being a male - we think). It is safe to say that they can be called manitary towels for the older men who suffer from the manstrual cycle. Soon to be on the market are the manpons but more about those later.

Here I have designed the packaging for Tena Bloke, just to save McDonalds the trouble.

You Dropped Your Friends Card


Guys this is one mainly for you, ever found a girl who you are convinced you would be perfect with and then when you finally get the guts to say anything after god knows how many months - they play this card - Im sorry but I dont want to go out with you because I think we are better off as friends and if we fell out I wouldnt want to lose you as a friend.

If so then im sure you will understand the upcoming theories. If you listen carefully when this is said, sometimes you can hear the wind whisper in a low voice, the word bollocks. Its not the reason at all - its just they simply dont want to go out with you but dont want to upset you. They think this sentence makes everything okay again and that you will just trot along merrily until you find another person that will ultimately tell you the same thing.

What ever happened to honesty anyway, if your honest enough to tell them how you feel then the least they could do is tell you the truth instead of using that lame, FAKE excuse. The main thing that pisses me off is that once this card has been played then it is hard to be the friends you once were simply because of a) the way you feel now that you know she knows and b) the fact that she knows and will probably act different around you from then on. Another thing is that you know fine well its a bullcrap excuse simply because if you did go out then fall out - who says you will stop being mates. Im friends with almost every single one of my ex-girlfriends and some of them have gone through some shit with me.

Look some of you may know why ive wrote this but Im afraid that this excuse just isnt enough, it is a lie and has been since the dawn of time for us men and maybe some women too. Think about it!!! (PS I am aware that this can be a valid excuse in some cases but its rare)

Bluetoothed Wanker

Another term of college began today, was quite fun seeing all my mates again however something wasn't right - people were different, the room was quieter than usual and countless people who I thought either hated me or didnt really bother with me actually had conversations with me.

Im going to rant about something seriously gay which happened to me today. I went in search of a BlueTooth dongle for my mobile phone, my phone is a Nokia 6230i. I was in a vodaphone shop browsing and a man asked if we needed help, I told him what I was looking for and he suggested a specific type for the same price as another I had been eyeing up, however it was designed for my exact phone model. I decided to take it.I took it home, installed the drivers and software only to be told that it wasnt compatible with my mobile phone, instead only the Nokia 6230. I was furious because not only did it say on the box that it was for 6230i it also had the picture of my phone on the front. Im going to take it back and swap the bastard I tell thee.

On the bus home some faggot decided to flag us with his fingers in a V shape. The nerve of some people - however I think he was a retard anyway so we will let him off...

Shit Ticks



Now I am not very observant over such objects as dog shit but one thing I have noticed through my years is that it is a truly wonderful art in which dogs seem to master with ease. When me and my cousin were walking he happened to mention dog crap and we both instantly thought about how dogs manage to get the perfect tick at the tip of thier shit.

Dogs are amazing in being able to get the tick at the tip therefore they should not take this ability for granted, us humans are incapable of doing it - in some cases i am envious but then again by the time it hits the proverbial pool, it would probably dissolve and get deformed anyway.
Dog shit is admittedly one of the dirtiest things I can think of, not to mention the danger it poses such as blindness if it gains contact with the eyes - however there is a million and one things you can do if your careful with it. Take these two classic examples:


Carefully smear dog crap on a telephone reciever of a public telephone box, dont place it on the mouthpiece but on the earpiece because they will see and smell it first. You want them to put the phone up to thier ear where they get a mucky surprise.
Again, carefull smear dog crap on the underside of someones car door handle, when they go to open their car, they get a clump of dog crap in thier hand.

New iPod Idea



Latest news from Apple states that they have recently patented a new form of iPod which full feature touchscreen capabilities. It is unconfirmed yet whether or not it will work or how it will work but one thing they did announce is that if you imagine the scroll wheel but on the screen instead, that is similar to what they plan to do. My guesses are that a small pen type implement will be used to avoid smudges onscreen.

Now besides wanting to know what other people think about it and if they would consider buying one, I am going to let you know what I think. First of all its a great idea, it takes the iPod one step further in this ever faster world of technology, it will probably rake in the profits as well because to date I think only one other device features touch screen which is the Motorola E680i.
However many of us will miss the scroll wheel which made the iPod unique and so enjoyable in the first place. Of course with anything touch screen and especially being so small - it will be inaccurate and will probably end up in you navigating through 1000 menu screens to play one song simply because you tapped the wrong thing by accident.

Please bear in mind though that just because the idea has been patented does not mean the product will necessarily be released. - you have been told so dont come moan at me if it doesnt come out!!

The Travellers Guide to England



Apparently according to a travellers guide for foreigners - us brits are branded as oversexed, TV addicts that are too fat and obsessed by celebs. It also warns visitors about the brutatlity of most of britains population and how our public services are over-priced and under-funded.

Now excuse me if I get just a little offended by this being a brit and all but its not how we are at all. OK you get the odd chav or 6 that will threaten to kick the shit out of you for asking where the nearest public toilet is but most of us aren't that bad. Personally I disagree with some of the above because I for one am not a TV Addict - in fact besides the odd episode of Sonic X and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, I hardly ever watch TV.

As for being fat I think they need to look again, take all those skinny annorexic chav tarts that are so thin thier clothes fall off - no wait they fall off by accident when a lad comes near. I am tall and thin yet I eat like shit, I dont get fat because I also exercise. You can't stereotype a whole country just because some fat wankers can't be arsed to work and then blame it on food. If I saw a big mac calling to me I could easily decline it.

As for celebrities, yes we probably are obsessed but still, you gotta have something to look up to even if it is Beyonce or Jordan (if you want bigger tits). I do think however that the UK is being taken over by shit music - being into punk I would say this but im an open minded induvidual, I admit I do like some Dance, Hip-Hop, Rap and R&B etc but just recently it all kinda sounds the same and is rapidly lacking any musical talent whatsoever. Which is probably why most of us are beckoning for talent from elsewhere (mostly america).

Oversexed, yes well we all know who to blame for that -cough- chavs -cough-. Im sorry to have to say it but most chav girls will sleep with anyone at the drop of a hat. Not all but a majority and I know this because I know people like that. Still aint nothing wrong with a bit of the old S-E-X but still, with the increasein STD's I do think we need to slow down a bit.

Gipsie Scum



Gipsies piss me off. And thats never a good thing to do. What compells a person to live in such poor conditions - and for some to turn so violent.
Reading a newspaper AGAIN and came across a story where a farmer sold a plot of greenland to some people only to find it taken over by a large gipsie camp holding around 100 people in over 30 caravans. When they finally left the camp after about 2 years they left behind heaps of rubbish, smashed up caravans and even soiled clothes!
I recently had gipsies in my village and you could literally see human filth all over the floor, they trashed the place however it was being demolished for a new street anyway so they helped a little if nothing else.

One thing that did piss me off was the kids used to wander into the school grounds and piss about yet the teachers wouldn't do anything about it. I took the piss out of them and they started on us saying they had shotguns and fierce dogs etc - me and a few lads later that day threw big rocks at thier caravan windows causing some damage.

Hell there is even a gipsie camp site near the village of Hatton but no-one uses it. I cant see why anyone would want to become a gipsie - they say they are just travellers - like fuck are they. THEY ARE SCUM!

Lack Of Blogs



Yes, erm, as the name suggests I dont really have anything to talk about yet I am in the mood for a new blog. So Im sitting here with a newspaper and Im going to critisize what I see. Here goes:

According to The Sun a new type of reality TV show is to be lined up. It involves a mixture of Big Brother, X-Factor and the glass box David Blaine stunt. The idea is a few bands are locked in a glass studio in the center of London and are given a month to write an album. Passers by will be able to watch and hear their progress.
The Darkness are rumoured to take part as is Liberty X. Pardon while I rant - WHAT A SHIT IDEA - the people will get bored of the album therefore when it is finished it will be shit cos everyone has heard it being made. Its just boring if you ask me, makes me laugh really - L0L.

Charlotte Church is being stalked - apparently her boyfriend confronted the stalker who kept lingering outside her house. One word of advice Charlotte - you have tits - Use Them, just show him what he wants and he will leave!!!

Germany are using voodoo dolls to curse England into losing the World Cup. WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS PLEASE - its a doll, stabbing it with pins wont make us lose. Unless you blame the germans for the fact that our boys are creasing themselves with laughter at the utter tards we call the germans. (ESSE MEIN SCHEISSE DEUTSCH WEISSTUCKS)

Happy Easter



Thats right folks - easter is finally upon us and what a joyous occasion at that. What better way to celebrate christs final hours by stuffing ourselfs silly with chocolate eggs.
Id like to thank all the bikers who every year, hold a rally which tour the town then eventually ride up to the hospital and give eggs to the children - what a kind thought.

However normally when writing a blog - I always have something to moan about and claim as being pointless, yet again there is no change. Earlier I was reading another newspaper and happen to notice a man standing on a cross miming jesus famous pose as it were. I read on to find that they were in fact re-enacting jesus crusifiction - literally. He and a group of around 8 other men had nailed themselves with 4inch thick nails to a wooden cross, seriously that must fucking hurt. Now I beckon the question to you - WHATS THE FUCKING POINT!!!

You may say to show their thanks to jesus and the fact that he died for us. Well Im sorry but we would still be here if he hadnt have died so whats the difference. He didnt die solely for those people so what makes them think they have to show their appreciation so much - what happened to just praying?
He claims that a fall at a building site made him see the error of his unfaithful ways therefore found it necessary to thank whomever for his survival - BOLLOCKS, hes just lucky thats all. Ill be surprised if he doesnt die from doing all that crazy stuff anyway. Whats with all the other people who survive serious accidents as well, they dont turn stupid enough to do that. Ill just leave you with those last thoughts and by the way - Im sorry If I offended any god goers or children who attend god school etc.

The Big Issue is - THAT HE SUCKS DICK!!



Anyone who regularly attends the HMV store located in Burton Upon Trent will know and agree with me when I say that the homeless person selling Big Issues if fucking annoying. He is foreign yet it seems that the only word of english that he knows is the word ''Please'', not to mention the fact that he sounds as gay as a fart that follows through.

He stands there all day shouting that one word and I swear to god you can hear him throughout the shopping center if you listen hard enough. The thing that gets me though is he stands there with a new watch, new trainers and an attire which must have cost a bit (chav you see), how can he afford all this from selling Big Issues?
Unless he has a side job by night or people feel that sorry for him that they give him expensive gifts.

A group of us rejoiced when a few weeks back, he was replaced by a proper tramp, she didnt say a thing and stood there giving puppy eyes to everyone which we could live with - we just found it hilarious to tap her on the shoulder whilst cunningly placing price stickers on her back. However the twat is back in town. ''PLEASE'' go away you one worded little asshole.

Oh and by the way while we are on the subject of HMV I recently went to pre-order the new Angels And Airwaves album for when it comes out on the 22nd May. I explained to the dude who thought he was clever and knew everything that I had found the leaked version on the net - you should have seen his face - pure jealousy. I think given half the chance at that point he would have held me hostage until I either gave it him or told him how to get it. CLASSIC I TELL THEE!!

Gay Lollipops



I recently found a newspaper article in the Burton Trader entitled ''Lollies to lick club violence'', interested to read on, I did. This is an extract from it:

''Police in Burton are looking to prevent late night troublemakers misbehaving by getting behind a new scheme to hand out free lollipops to revellers as they leave local clubs.''

Now excuse me if I seem a little forward here but - WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!!!
How on earth do they think lollies will solve the problem of troublemakers - especially if they are pissed as a fart. It seems they are that desperate to rid the streets of trouble that they are even planning to provide a chill out area for people to relax before they leave the club. in this area they will play such songs as Kylie Minogue's - I Should Be So Lucky and the theme tune to the old childrens programme The Magic Roundabout.
Again pardon me but they are talking out their arses!

Personally for me the thought of having to sit there for 5 minutes after a night out and be tortured by such crap is painstakingly evil. Id be even more pissed off that what I was before.
Apparently some clubs got into the habit of handing out free Ice pops however due to winter they stopped. It worked so they are welcoming this new plan with open arms.

HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT NEED TO BE SAID - STOP BEING FUCKING GAY. LOLLIES ARE GAY, MAGIC ROUNDABOUTS ARE GAY SO ARE YOU TRYING TO TURN EVERYONE GAY???

myPod so leave it alone



Latest news from Apple state that new parental features will be included with iPods which enable them to limit the volume for their children. Although this is a good idea I am still going to sit here and moan about it - here goes.

ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?! Loud = Good.
My one aim when listening to my iPod is to make sure every fucker else can hear it more than me. The bus is a prime location because you get to compete with all the other people with theirs. We want our eardrums to fail under the pressure of the volume - thats why we have it loud in the first place.

iPods already offer a feature called Sound Check which basically tones down loud songs (some shit about every song being of a different volume). Why the fuck do people always bring out Parental Controls?
Thankfully im not a child anymore so it doesnt affect me but still - I can moan. Also it is optional which is good so I cant really complain there. I guess ive not got kids of my own therefore I will never understand, but until then - STOP WITH THE GAY PARENTAL SHIT!!!

Constable Lardarses



I recently visited derby city center with my friend kim in an attempt to meet up with someone who id never met before. As it took at least 4 hours for them to arrive, we had a lot of time to just piss about doing nothing. We come to notice that surrounding the train station and various other streets, there was an influx of cops. No we were aware that Derby were playing Millwall and when football is on, fights always crop up somewhere. However what got us the most is the amount of pigs. If you were to count them all there must have been at least 100.

Now heres the part where I rant about how much of a stupid idea it is. Im sure it doesnt take 100+ officers to patrol the station - unless bin ladens on it there aint that much danger. All they did was just stand there all day I mean come on - talk about wasting time and our money. We dont pay these twats to stand around all day waiting for a fight to happen, I mean the people arent that stupid to start fighting in the presence of 100 cops anyway.

They could be elsewhere fighting crime rather than picking their arses in the freezing cold. Look at spider-man, he manages to keep the whole of new york clean of crime and hes on his own most of the time. Derbyshire takes 100+ cops just to secure the train station - pathetic. To be entirely honest the only job they were doing was escorting masses of chavs into town regardless of whether they were causing trouble or not. They managed to bollock a 15 year old with a can of fosters in his hand but that was about it. I gladly dropped a can of coke behind him and the cop didnt say shit - IM BAD!!!

Pissing Games



This is a totally random blog. Its mainly aimed at us lads though but ladies are welcome to try some of them out. Im only writing about it because it came up in a conversation somehow.
As a lad we are gifted with the ability to piss standing up and to piss just about anywhere we feel happy with. It has its advantages in other ways as well, for instance you can turn an ordinary bathroom visit into a minute of fun with these games.

1. This game I prefer to call Laps, the idea is if you have a urinal which is trough shaped, then you have to try and chase the disinfectant cake around the bottom of the trough and see how many laps you can make it do - beware it is harder the bigger the cake is.

2. This is called the sprint. You will need a urinal wall for this and not the troughs, the idea is to chase the urinal cake from one end of the urinal to the other before you run out of piss. (Beware of others also using the urinal - best played when on your own. Also be tolerant of others chasing the cake back once you have finished)

3. This is known as Graffiti. If you venture upon a disused urinal wall, you may notice the wall is bone dry - this is your canvas - you can use any face such as a brick wall though. The idea is you piss your tag onto the wall e.g. your name. It also adds a great effect when the piss drips.

4. When you stumble upon a toilet which hasnt been flushed, you could come across some toilet tissue which hasnt been engulfed by the water. Your mission is to piss it down into the water so that the entire mound of toilet roll is damp. (You can even insert toilet paper into the toilet manually if you wish to play this game.)

5. Next game consists of two methods. I tend to call it Pebbledash. The first is when toilet roll sticks to the sides of the toilet - you have to piss it into the water and then you may resume with number 4. The next is a little more disgusting but fun nonetheless. If someone has taken a dump and left marks on the bowl, you have to use the force of your urine to remove the stains - not only does it provide endless fun but it also helps the cleaners as well.

6. This I call the Stealthy Slash, you have to take a piss in an ordinary toilet but the goal is to not piss into the water. You have to aim at the side of the bowl to try and make as little noise as possible. However if you hit the water or the seat then you lose.

7. Ive not actually tried this but Ill write it anyway. I call it Projectile Piss. You have to get onto your knees and basically map out the co-ordinations so that when you piss - it aims for the inside of the bowl. Beware though because if you get it wrong I predict that you will get in a terrible mess and we all know how hard it is to stop mid-flow!

8. Returning to urinals, ever been to one when it is cleaning itself. If so then im sure youve tried this one out before. The idea is if the urinal fills up with water because the plug cannot cope with the amount of water passing through it - you have to try and keep it that way. Keep in mind it is constantly emptying therefore you have to make sure the water stays there by adding to it with your pee.

9. Bog roll. So cheap and tacky, why not play destroyer and kill it all. Basically the same as the game where you have to engulf the boggo in water only this time you have to try and piss as hard as possible in order to rip the boggo into shreads. very hard but fulfilling!

10. This one takes time, I call it A True Man. Basically as a child your ability to make bubbles with your piss is limited, however as you get older it gets better thus enabling you to make masses of bubbles after a standard piss. Your aim is to basically piss until the bubbles are masking the water. Keep a mental estimation each time so you can aim to beat it in future.

Hospicom



OMG. I went to visit my dad in hospital today - problems with his diabetes :( - I sat there viewing all the other old twats surrounding him and thought to myself 'I bet he is well bored in this shitehole'. All of a sudden a phone rang above my head. My dad reached and pulled down this screen on a stand, picked up the phone and started talking to one of his mates. I sat there totally amazed as a screen appeared in front of him with some details of the call on it

Thats not it, when he put the phone down, another screen appeared on it. It had a center screen with touch-screen buttons around it. Apparently for a small fee of £3 a day, you have unlimited calls from people, you can watch 24 hours of television (with channels from both freeview and normal tv) AND YOU CAN EVEN SURF THE INTERNET!!
I looked at my dad with the most amazed look on my face - it was like having everything you needed all in one bed. Sod everything else, you get phone calls, TV, internet, food and a bed all free. Might injure myself sometime.

Burton College Tightens Grip on Students Computer Generated Balls


Well, imagine this, a group of about 15-20 males including one female on an IT course. Throw in some grebs/goths/emo's whatever you wanna call them and a few chavs. Add in the toilet humour, gay jokes and frequently changing catchphrases. Spice it up with a bit of the old 'WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?' attitude when something doesnt make sense (which it never does). Well your thinking of our college group then (NDITP Group C)

Now I am quite oblivious to the attitudes of other groups in any other course within the college but Im pretty sure ours is one of a kind - everyone gets on like one massive circle of friends.
When you mix the above ingredients together, you tend to get the type of attitude that cries 'I CANT BE ARSED, ILL DO ALL THE ASSIGNMENTS ON THE LAST DAY ON THE BUS TO COLLEGE'. And believe it or not, some of us do!
As this is mainly the type of things you will see in our class, we all have a tenancy to sit there, do fuck all and piss about on any website, multiplayer game or messenger service that we can get our grubby hands onto. This tends to piss the tutors off.

Where is this all leading to I hear you ask, well ill tell you. Burton College has padded their hand with iron metal spikey gloves, sat there infront of a stove for an hour or so and then firmly placed them upon our balls before starting to squeeze.
We sat in class today and besides the frequent lapses where the internet didnt work, could not do bugger all. Games have been banned, websites which contain no adult material, violence or any other stuff are blocked simply because they may contain the word F**K - EVEN THOUGH WE SAT THERE AND SURFED COUNTLESS PORN SITES WITH EASE. Messengers are banned and even hotmail is banned - and hotmail was a key source in keeping work flowing from home and college.
All in all, it sucks big style

(BTW dont ever leave your computer unattended for more than 5 minutes in our class. If it aint me writing programs to disable your mouse and keyboard everytime you log in or asking you repeatedly if you are gay until you say yes. Then its everyone else making your background image into a picture of a black mans circumsised penis and then waiting for you to turn your monitor on where you get a lovely surprise - JUST THORT ID WARN YOU IN ADVANCE!)

Born Baby Born. Burton Inferno

College, what an excellent path to choose after the young and still clueless teenager gets booted out of their secondary school. Not only does it prepare the student for adulthood more than sixth form does, but it also comes complete with the humour that you expect from a more mature environment.

Apart from being smack bang in the middle of Burton Town Center, Burton College also has its fair share of events. Besides having to be at the right place at the right time to see them, it can be very rewarding to say the least - lets just say it gives you something to tell everyone back at home.

Lets take yesterday for example, although many people wouldn't find this type of event appealing, we found it hilarious. A woman was giving birth - IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN IN A PISS STAINED CORNER!!!

Of course, four 17 year old lads are going to find this funny - can you imagine when the kid is older and is being shown exactly where he was born and knowing that everyone in the street at the time saw it. HOW EMBARRASSING.

Of course we all went home and filled everyone in on the details and the next day, there it was in the newspaper. Isnt it good when you know the gossip before everyone else :D